Hokie200proof Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 It’s been awhile… I might be rusty… and I’m a bit nervous as the stakes have never been higher. What am I talking about? I can’t overstate this… my UBrothers, we are at the dawn of an age. We are on the precipice of infinity. We are at the beginning of all that comes after. We are at the Revelation of College Football. The First Age of Beefalo has come. Do you get it now? I haven’t written one of these in more than five years and I need to come out with the greatest Two Minutes Hate to even come close to matching the severity and the reverence that this occasion deserves. Ok… there’s no more putting it off. Time to get to it. Horns up, let’s do this, UUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB BBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZzzzzzz Two Minutes Hate: NIU – MAC CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION As this must be the ultimate Two Minutes Hate, I had hoped I could borrow from some source material, but in the five minutes of research I was able to do before boarding a plane for Detroit Rock City (aka MoTown, aka the Motor City, aka the set for 8 Mile, aka where Hell’s Night became a thing because so much of the city was an abandoned tinder box, so hey, why not?), I realized I had never done a TMH on NIU. But oh my UBrothers, they are more than deserving. This has been a long, looooonnnnngggg time coming. We need to start with the most obvious reason to hate these sick puppies… 1) THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR P.J. FLECK If you are a true UBrother you already know who P.J. Fleck is, but in case you’re stealing this awesome post to republish on barstool sports, Deadspin from before 2015 or another cool sports shit-talk site, let me reintroduce the douchiest player turned coach who ever played FBS college football. I’m not even kidding… go look up “douche” in any online dictionary and if it doesn’t begin with “n. 1) P.J. Fleck”, I want you to: a) update it so it does, especially if it functions like Wikipedia and you can do stupid shit like that and b) never trust that source again… because any asshole on the internet can edit it, what a fucking useless reference site… oh right, and P.J. Fleck embodies this definition so completely and so convincingly he probably deserves his own derogatory term that’s even worse than douche, douchebag, yo-boy, fratard, poorman’s Zach Morris, collar-popping douchefag, whatever you want to call that guy who is so completely that fvcking guy, P.J. Fleck is that guy turned up to an 11. The only material I could recycle for this post was clodney’s HOF message board post about him. If you don’t know who P.J. Fleck is or why he deserves your hate perhaps more than ISIS or Trump or SIS-Gendered-Straight-White Men (we aim to speak and communicate with all audiences here on TMH), just read this sh1t right here: Quote “WMU fired Bill Cubit… decided to bring in an unproven commodity, a young up and comer named PJ Fleck who played at NIU. Fleck talked a big game and started off well with strong fundraising and an impressive first recruiting class. Things went downhill from there. Fleck began to resemble a strange, grownup version of a frat boy/awkward dad, trying to fit in with the kids through stupid antics and corny-ass ideas about how to help the WMU program. He created a youtube video that got him labeled by deadspin as the “Swaggiest Bro-Coach to Have Ever Swagged”. http://deadspin.com/western-michigan-coach-demonstrates-new-traditions-in-1250884633 If you haven’t seen this video, YOU MUST WATCH IT. You will immediately realize why I’ve been bagging on this team since the start of the season. In the video, Fleck shows everyone the new “traditions” he is bringing to WMU football including: - Band will play the fight song after each TD. (the dude is a genius) - There will be an in-house DJ spinning during games named “DJ Ill Mix” (straight-up crunkin) - “For Whom the Bell Tolls” will now be played anytime the opposing team is on 3rd down. (groundbreaking) - Finally, the best one of them all. At the start of the 4th quarter, every student and fan will begin doing what Fleck calls “The Rowing Dance” – it will signify their new catch phrase, “Row the Boat” – something Fleck brought in on day 1 that to this day nobody fvcking understands. Fleck doing the row dance: So this guy came in proposing all of this stupid crap and in the first home game of the season, the team, either embarrassed by fans doing the “rowing dance” or embarrassed by the fact that nobody was doing the “rowing dance” other than their Greek-life tool of a coach, came out completely flat and lost to the worst team to ever beat a MAC school – Nicholls State. A team so bad that they hadn’t beaten a single Div 1A OR Div1AA school in 3 years, a team so bad that they lost 70-7 to Louisiana Lafayette and 66-3 to Oregon this year. This team is awful. I honestly feel bad for them because they have been a respectable MAC opponent for years and nobody should have to put up with this level of douche-baggery. Just the other day, after the team was once again spanked 47-20 by Toledo and had a record of 0-6, Fleck came out and said he felt this season was “100% successful” thus far and then went on to talk about how good his recruiting class was again all while basically slapping his current players in the face saying they don’t have the talent in the program yet. The current guys don’t want to play for him, the new guys who bought into his frat-boy persona still aren’t there yet, and they are absolutely ripping apart at the seams. Fleck is wayyyy over his head. 2) THEIR FVCKING MASSCOT WOULD BE WELCOME AT ANY FURY CONVENTION Look at this “Huskie” and tell me he doesn’t venture onto the Dark Web on the reg, attend conferences in seedy places in Ohio and ventures online via several ghost accounts that are some variation of “HairyHusky”, “Puppy69Love” or “Do99ieStyle” to groom potential victims. I mean look… at… this… fvcking abomination: You can’t tell me that’s not, at the very least, an easy access crotch-flap costume, if not crotchless altogether. Look at that photo and tell me that creepy fvcker wouldn’t be just another deviant in the crowd here… Or here… Or… sigh… here (GD it humanity)… I… I don’t want to talk about this one anymore. It’s too disturbing and twisted even for two minutes hate. Victor E. Huskie… get help you sick puppy. But if that isn’t enough, get a load of this sh1t… This degenerate doggie is named (for the weaker of spirit and constitution I suggest sitting down before you read this)… Victor… E… Huskie Are you fvcking kidding me? I don’t have the time nor the fvcks to give to look up who came first, but there can only be on Victor E. (insert mascot or animal name), and I’ll be cold dead in the ground before I let Victor E. Huskie have it over Victor E. Bull. No fvcking way. 3) THEY’RE A DIRECTIONAL COLLEGE As a rule, we can’t respect state colleges that include a direction. Just like Central, Eastern and Western Michigan, Northern Illinois is forever the disappointing and less successful step-sister of the University that just calls itself Illinois… no direction needed. It’s pretty GD clear that from the outset of NIU’s founding they knew they’d never be a great school, and certainly no better than the University of Illinois. I… I guess this isn’t a reason to hate… more like a reason to pity. Alright, let’s back on topic… 4) EVEN IF THEY WERE THE TOP DOG IN THEIR STATE, ILLINOIS SUCKS MASSIVE DONKEY BALLS What I like about this one is I didn’t need to do any of the legwork. Nearly all of the following is borrowed from the University of Wisconsin’s resident sh1ttalkers in this article here: https://theblacksheeponline.com/wisconsin/why-your-state-sucks-illinois It’s slightly dated, but it’s still a fairly decent summary of why any sane American would sell Illinois to Canada or the Russians for a handful of shiny beads and cube of Labet Blue… and immediately feel guilty about fleecing Canada or Russia in the deal. 5) EVEN THEIR OWN STUDENTS THINK THEIR SCHOOL IS SHIT No photoshop, no fake links, just direct links to the NIU subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/NIU/comments/19nmbl/if_you_could_do_it_all_over_again_would_you/ Even they think their mascot looks like a fetish freak: Prom King Candidate trying to find some Huskies to Lego with: https://www.reddit.com/r/NIU/comments/7psatc/any_sort_of_a_lego_community_in_the_area/ If this guy got in, they have admissions standards below those of South Harmon Institute of Technology: And just as a cherry on top, among the top results when googling “Dekalb, Illinois” is its Urban Dictionary definition: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DeKalb%2C Illinois 6) NORTHERN ILLINOIS IS IN OUR WAY If you haven’t already been driven into a blind rage at this point, check your pulse. This doesn’t need to go on for another 1500 words. All you need to hate this group of feral dogs is to know that NIU is in our way. They are the next victim of the Bull Horde. They will feebly try to stop us… US… the chosen ones… the rightful rulers of CFB… the true heirs to the UBian empire. This game will be one for the ages gentlemen... this celebration will be akin to triumph of Caesar Augustus, which lasted 10 days of overflowing wine, debauchery and burnt offerings to the Gods. This will be the dawn of the age of Bull, the founding of the UBian Empire, the Bull Horde that will mount the world. This will be the day of reckoning for all who doubted the divine promise of Buffalo... and NIU shall be the first to fall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hokie200proof Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 Fellas... the last time I went to a Championship Game I got to do this... To ensure we get the chance to do it again, I just put this together in my hotel room with some help from clodney... It has a special little hidey hole where we can fit in a cup and drink out of it... cause if you can't drink victory brews and spirits out of your trophy it ain't sh1t. Here's the cup insert... See you all in the promised land UBrothers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
admin Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Welcome back brother. We missed you. There is no one quite like you. We need you to post more. And now we know what you look like :) Keep the posts coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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